I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Well, that should do it
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case