Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I had to Stop for this
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat