My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
The photographer’s assistant
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.