If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.