“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Stonehinge
I can’t deal with men any longer
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
no!! no!!!!!!
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow