cry laughing at this shit
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Kermit goes Blue.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house