Sorry I made promises on Friday
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
⚠️ Important Reminder:
