sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.