May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
