ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese