Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
describing stardew valley
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*