I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
mmm onion ringos
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.