THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I’m having an out of money experience.