As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
getting old is fun
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.