guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Not even remotely sorry.
