My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
This story is comedy gold 😂