I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*