If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again