when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
What in the hipster hell is going on here
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.