in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars