Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.