My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great