the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo