My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis