7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.
Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
What do you text your spouse?
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
journal
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
dark side of the loom
