And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Awwwww shit.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
He-man has a Masters degree
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now