I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Cats are still liquid.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what