My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Dead sexy!!
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you