Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I have questions??
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.