Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
the dark web is just a goth google.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.