“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I have a place for everything. The floor.