Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?