i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.