‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
also my go-to takeaway order
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.