The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.