love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Snapes on a plane.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt