actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
What?!?
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza