Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Me trying to look natural in photos
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
New mindset, who dis?
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.