Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂