Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
What?!?
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
