Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭