Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Pretty much. 🤣
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.