[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Me checking my bank balance online.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]