The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”