This line from Airplane.
Rather alarming headline…
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight