Here’s a meme
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
