There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
*me flirting
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
