Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
reviewed some movies recently
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”