Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
