I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
this is funnier than any friends episode
Here’s a meme
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
