YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
excuse me
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
they should invent a hydrating liquor
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.