In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!