Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”