they should invent a hydrating liquor
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
The asteroid..