The asteroid..
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.